My heart had broken. I remember the day so well. For years it had felt chiseled away, little by little, from the hurt of others and the consistent disappointment from hope deferred. A big piece had given way and it felt as if a chunk had broken off like a statue being carved out and separated from its cement mold. I went numb and for the first time in my life I felt….nothing.
It was during that time I discovered that the fear of people’s opinions or aggression toward me no longer mattered. I wasn’t afraid anymore and I could not be manipulated nor controlled. In a strange way, it was sort of refreshing and freeing. At first I wondered, “How come I cannot feel anymore. God? Why can I not even cry anymore?” To which God responded to me through a faith based radio station the song, “Just be Held” by Casting Crowns. The whole song was poignant for what I was going through and became a life line for me during that season, but I’ll just post a few key lines,
“When you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away, You’re not alone, stop holding on and Just Be Held.
Your world is not falling apart, It’s falling into place. I’m on the throne, stop holding on and Just be held”
I assure you that God did hold me through that season. My heart had changed, my outlook toward life had changed and even my behaviors and responses to life had changed. It was if this protective wall, a strong and much needed boundary if you will guarded my soul from outside terrorists. A few years had passed and I had put my dreams, my writings, what I knew and thought I knew upon a shelf. Looking back I refer to it as my graveyard moment. Who knew what had seemed so devastating that I thought I had died inside, could be what would catapult me into a deeper, greater relationship with God? Who knew I would receive a new heart because the other had been duct taped so much it was almost beyond repair? Who knew that lies I had believed about false labels assigned to me from others who wanted to limit me would fade away? And who knew that new truths would take their place in the slight Spirit whispers I would intercept here and there. I didn’t. But God did. My worship had ceased. My devotional time, barren. Yet I was re-discovering myself and my God, not through the usual means but in the day to day unintentional happenings – a word here, a picture there. Oh how I longed for a rescue mission from God and an angelic visitation from this desert like foreign place but there was only the blood in my veins, and a small evidence of life still lingering in my soul.
Eventually I would take small baby steps, one or two at a time, like a toddler learning to walk. Sure there were frequent rest stops too as I began to build my faith and trust muscles again. But then suddenly, I fell forward into something, I’m not even sure how it happened really. But I found myself searching and kept shuffling my feet forward inches at a time. I started questioning things again. I began to ponder the deeper things of God…ah evidence that life was beginning to take place in me again. I now knew that the past season was not a permanent death as it felt but a resurrection. I likened it to a fruit tree that goes dormant in the winter. The fruit that was there eaten by the birds and squirrels. Some of it even rotting off the branches, a necessary thing to lighten its load as sheds it leaves and sleeps until its time to fruit again. The old and the new fruit cannot grow together. “…See the old has passed away, the new begins.” (2Cor. 5:17) The taste and texture of the fruit is determined by its climate. Sometimes a harsh climate can produce bitter fruit. A new climate brings with it new opportunity. The old will not work for the new season. Yet, nothing gets wasted because the old fruit decomposes and becomes fertilizer in the soil helping to bring forth the new fruit. As I look back, I see the necessity of it all. I see the story God was desiring to tell through ME bringing forth a “oneness” with him. And in the midst of it all, I heard the whisper of God say to me, “It’s time to come out and begin again”.